keys lay strewn across the floor, they hang on the walls, tremble in my speakers, waiting at the most spontanious times to spring up. they unlock old memories that send me spiraling off into a reflective roller coaster of feelings. they only way to escape them is to forget with time. its not optional for me and it does happen but it seems im still very much vulnerable to them in my dreams. there are no fresh wounds. all old scars. my heart is not bleeding. yet my mind is troubled. always seemingly bound for destruction i cant help but yearn for that which is unhealthy for me. when given the operatunity to b next to a caring heart. someone so honest and full of nothing but love and concern for my happiness i cant help but think of him. the one locked away for his evil deeds. dispite my overpowering misery i felt around him there was something else jus as strong that i miss. bak then, i knew regardless of what i wanted to do. how farfetched. i had a partner to bak me up. who accepted it an would join me. no matter how mundain or foolish. i could sit on the porch, smokin an gigglin bout nothing. play games for hours. walk around no where aimlessly.

i miss that. as intense my sufferein was i still miss it in a twisted way. sicker still was perhaps the way i learned to deal with the abuse. to endure great pain jus to have those lil moments of pleasure. soon enough. . . after one endures so many occasions they begin to pass into a dream world where nothing is really happenin to them. they can sit bak and watch the terrible scene unfold to a body who looks like them but couldnt possibly. such things dont happen to oneself. just a dream. music blares in my head, "i wont let this build up inside me. i wont let this build up inside me (screeeeaaams!)" this act will b no worse than the dreams to fallow. those dreams that take on demonic personalities that only goal is to torment your only time to relax. nightmares who are real enough to touch and feel. ive jerked so hard in my sleep ive woken myself up , startled. face wet with tears. was i crying?

ive grown. my troubles r my own and they hardly rule my life. they r a mear nusance. i have walked through the maze of emotions and finally figured out this garden . in the past i have always worried about what others will think of me. i couldnt possibly b myself. not when i myself barely accepted me. but this is me. if there is a problem than i suggest u leave b cuz i dont feel i should have to compromise. this innitial repsonce may make some mutter "how selfish. . . rabble rabble" simple as this though my friends. i fought for my place in this world and have gotten to a place im quite proud of with only fallowin my own unique path. i know how to love dearly. i will only show true love to one single person in this world and if u r not him i can only show a strong care at best. this nightmares, thoughts, pulsating vision will make me quiet and withdrawn. get used to me often standing alone in such times. i m a beast of indulgence. how i melt under the touch of familiar hands. feel the alcohol warm my veins and make me like fucking highlander! yea thats right highlander, im invincible. fall bak into a different world with drugs. stand in the hot shower till the dirt has long since been washed away and the water goes cold. good company and music. im insecure at the first sign of irratation, anger, or fustration. such things will make me leave now. i cant stand the thought of plungin into a fight. let everything jus b fine from now on

i hardly know what to do with myself. my career is taken care of. i will always b able to take care of myself, granted i dont get hurt. i do imagine myself dieing or becomin seriously injured while workin though. or perhaps i will go out on one of my crazy adventures. get over turned in a vehicle. stranded too long in the woods. slip off a cliff. im sure i wont last as long as the rest of u but i will have died happy. better than sittin an rottin. that realization makes me not plan ahead for family. i jus want to work and have fun. bein alone is not an option for me but at the same time i wont tie down permanently with someone i do not love with all of me.

im glad with where im at. as muddled and interestin as my life has been it is still quite amazing.